January 22nd, 2018

Crying Liebgott by Boleyn

And The World Spins On...

I'm lost.

I don't know how to live now. You see my beloved father, my best friend, my drinking buddy, and fellow Yankee Fan died on 1/9/2018. He'd been suffering for the last year and had been on a roller coaster of medical issues. I won't bore you with the details but it was rough.

My time was spent between waking, going to work, run to the nursing home, come home, eat dinner-rinse and repeat. I got the call on Tuesday 1/9 that my Dad wasn't doing well. He'd gone pale, clammy, breathing funny, and had become unresponsive to verbal commands. I left work immediately. I didn't make it in time. He had passed away while I was enroute. 

I sat with him for an hour in the room. I held his hand, kissed his brow and told him how much I loved him. I also tried to will him back into his shell. Even though I knew he'd rather be in full health than be stuck in a broken body. I say I'm sorry to him for that every night since. It wasn't fair.

Now, I don't know what to do. I've been a caregiver for so MANY years that now my time is mine. What do I do with all this time? I keep having urges to rush to the nursing home and see him but I know he's not there.

I don't want to be on this journey as an orphan. The world spins wildly on and I'm standing still.